and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
