Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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