Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
