So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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