I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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