I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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