Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
