Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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