i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
