i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
