My balls are so social today.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
