I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
