he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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