Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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