he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
