I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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