What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
