It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
