Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
