i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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