Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
