Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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