my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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