My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
