turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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