Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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