I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
