I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
