why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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