Your tits are I can't wait for
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
