Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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