Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
