Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
