my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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