its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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