Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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