u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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