when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
