I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize