I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
