The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize