you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
