you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
