I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize