I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I touched a dick in church today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
