Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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