I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
