Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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