I hate all girls vehemently.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
