Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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