I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
