Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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