Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
