508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
