i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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