you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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