You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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